I’ve been a bit quiet the past week.. Yet what is coming today needed time to roll around in my head 🙂 I hope you understand!
This is really not something I want to talk about. But isn’t that exactly what secrets are? But as I’ve processed over the past week, there is not doubt. Its time to talk. So here we go…..
I have struggled with an eating disorder since my early teen years. It was always about control whenever it reared its ugly head. Thankfully I was blessed with parents who kept a pretty close watch on me and never let me get so far down that I couldn’t recover. (seriously, Praise God for that one!) It is something that will be put to rest for a while, and then will “relapse” from time to time. After my second baby, I went a little bit in the other direction with over eating. It consumed me at times (coke and m&m’s anyone?!) And I ended up making an idol out of food. Kelly Minter in her book “No Other gods: Confronting Our Modern Day Idols” gives this definition for idol:”something other than God that we set our heart on, that motivates us, masters and rules us, or that we trust or serve.” Ouch. Does that hit you as hard as it hits me? No wonder Satan tries to hit us in the area of food and body image….its a good master and ruler huh?
Last Monday, my sweet family took a trip to Sweet Frogs for frozen yogurt. We do not do a ton of sweets at home and like to do special treats from time to time. This planned-a-week-in-advance trip was actually a celebration for our big girls learning the Lord’s Prayer (oh can I tell you how sweet it is to hear their little voices quoting scripture?!?!) So… I got a small bowl (same size as my girlies) and ate along with the crew. Out of nowhere shame hit me over what I had consumed. It confused me a bit because thats not an area I’ve ever dealt with. Like deep, ugly shame. Before I knew it I found myself in the bathroom sticking my finger down my throat (there’s another first!). And in the midst of it all I knew it wasn’t right. I didn’t understand what was going on in my head or my heart at the moment. Ugh. That night after my run I only ate about 2-3 bites of dinner because the thoughts were back and I just couldn’t take it..and I didn’t want a bathroom repeat. Ugly..I know. Thankfully, I knew I needed to reach out. Someone had to know because eating disorders are such a slippery slope. I was already having thoughts of keeping it all a…….. SECRET. But secrets can choke us out (like big HUGE nasty weeds!) When I’m clear headed, I want to be healthy. I want my kids to see their mom have a cookie, or frozen yogurt. They need to not only be told about enjoying things in moderation, but see it lived out in front of them as well. Thankfully they are too young to even grasp what went on that day….but they wont be for long. And the sad thing is Monday isn’t the only day I struggled. It happened again on Wednesday with dinner. But God is faithful, and He is carrying me through this place.
Satan loves to tempt us, cause us to sin, and then keep it a secret. So there are three areas we need to be standing guard:
1. Are we keeping any secrets? Today, I’ve opened up about eating disorders. But there are so many areas that Satan tries to get us: it may be a relationship that does not need to be, it can be a love affair with food..just wherever Satan keeps our battles with him. Ask the Lord to show you any place that needs to be visited.
2. Being a trustworthy listener for another. If it were not for a few people I knew I could trust this secret with, I don’t know where I would have been. We need to be willing to be there for each other (community is a common thing around here huh?) Be the friend that people know they can trust no matter what.
3. Always be on the look out, lest a secret be growing: 1 Peter 5:8 gives us this warning: “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” Peter wasn’t kidding. And it sounds like our great enemy has been at it for a very long time. Be on guard, always.
I want to leave you today with some encouragement. Here are some scriptures that have been a huge blessing to me:
2 Thessalonians 3:3 But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one.
Hebrews 4:16 So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
We serve a God who loves us more than we can ever imagine. He longs to see us restored and to live each day walking in his presence and in his mercy. Praise God that His mercies are new every morning.
We’ve been singing this song quite a bit at our church lately. I love it! I don’t know about you, but music is such an avenue of worship and prayer!